INTIMACY 5-25-11

Before we can truly love another, we have to love ourself.  The most common block in the heart chakra is the absence of self-love.  How can we reach out to others if we are drowning in shame and criticism?  We have to have an intimacy with ourself, a way to bring our own deep interior to consciousness.

I began the continuing process of self-discovery thirty-three years ago when I wrote in a journal for the first time.  The words I wrote were, "I am not happy." I knew, seeing them on the page, the truth was out, and that I had to change that statement.  I had to save my own life, and that I was the only one who could.  The responsibility of that change terrified me -- I had a husband and two young sons -- what could I do?

I don't even know how many journals I've filled in the years since then -- first writing in long hand, and then eventually on the computer -- shelves of books -- that are a record of my investigation of myself -- my individuation process.  If there were a tornado coming ( and I had the time), it would be my journals I would save.  They represent to me, my struggle to know my self (my Self), my tragedies and triumphs.  In C.S. Lewis's book, Til We Have Faces, he talks about "probing the self with a pen."  Sounds painful, and it sometimes is -- the journey included many years with a couple of gifted Jungian analysts willing to bear witness to my descent.  It's a deeper knowledge of self that I continue to discover, and that is the imperfect gift I am able to offer.  

In my deep interior, I am happy.

Balance 5-15-11

Sorry to be away for so long.  I've been with my husband on a boat at Lake Powell, Utah -- some Fourth Chakra time away.
We expected to be with some friends but they ran into some bad weather and couldn't fly down to meet us, so we had this giant houseboat all to ourselves -- which meant we also had to learn how to maneuver this behemoth (our friend was the experienced sailor).  My husband did great though, figuring things out and managing to get the boat on land for our nights out, despite a few close encounters.  I did a lot of cheering and encouraging, so we were a real team.
 
I also realized that steering the boat was a lot like being in a relationship.  You tack into the wind, you allow for the current of the water, you hold a reference point out on the horizon, but deal with the conditions at hand.

We missed the company of our friends, but learned to balance our time of togetherness and aloneness -- attachment and freedom.  In balance we find our own center.  Fourth Chakra is the balance point between the lower and upper chakras -- the downward movement of spirit into matter and the upward liberation of matter into spirit.

Here's a great exercise if you're in a partnership:  one person lays on the floor, the other lays on top.  Begin to synchronize your breathing, so that the belly of the one inhaling extends into the one exhaling.  Continue as long as you like...

Shot in the Heart 5-3-11

With the opening of the heart, in exposing one's vulnerabilities, the soft under-belly, can come Grief -- the shadow of the Fourth Chakra.

Lately I've been dealing with a close family member struggle with sobriety.  Watching my loved one struggle and fail over and over again is like being shot in the heart -- the hope of recovery and then the overwhelming loss when there's a relapse -- the concern that they won't make it -- the powerlessness I feel to do anything, but watch and pray and give them  up to God.

The work for me is to stay in my own serenity -- like the face of the Buddha in the picture.  The gun is pointed at the heart, but there is no fear or worry, only a deep trust in Divine connection.