The Scream Within 6-5-11

I wrote this piece twenty years ago.  I still struggle with finding my voice, speaking my truth.


I am the scream within
the voice that never makes it to the airwaves
the force that never breaks the surface
I'm on the inside  inside
bumping around  around
never making it out
and why  why


I know my quiet  my gentle  my whisper
but I do not know my ROAR


Why don't I just open my mouth  relax my throat  and let it out  let the scream out
When I drove across country I practiced screaming in my car
I drove back-country roads  in Kansas  Nebraska  Iowa and I wondered how loud I could scream  
I wondered how loud a sound could come out of me  out of me
so I tried
I drove back-country roads with the windows rolled up  in July  and I screamed
at first as loud as I dared  testing my voice  my strength  my ability to be loud
I felt embarrassed 
afraid some field hands would hear me as I drove by
afraid they would locate the scream as it passed by in a blue Suburban
afraid they would identify it as me
so I screamed loud
but I still held back thinking of others
fearful I might be judged  criticized  heard
and then I thought  what the fuck  so what if I'm heard
so what  so what  I'm testing something here  I need to know
and so I started a breath way down inside  way down
way down inside
and I let it build   build      slowly
I was in no hurry
I let it gain force   momentum    I let it swirl
around the inside of me like liquid swirling around the inside of a bowl
I let it take all the time it needed
and then I felt it as it began the climb out of me
the long climb   up    up   out   out
but with a force behind it
a power driving it  expelling it
and then I felt it fill my throat   my mouth
I felt it as it broke free
broke the surface of my mouth
pushed its way through my lips  a full gale  a hurricane
powerful winds flapping my lips in its aftermath
and the sound was loud
this time at last it was VERY LOUD
it was wonderful  this loud sound  this LOUD SOUND
releasing   shrieking   forceful  terrible  powerful   exhilarating 
I loved my sound
my LOUD SOUND


And the field hands busy at their labor in the green fields
they laid down their hoes
they took off their straw hats which protected them from the intense heat of the summer sun
and in great respect   I could tell
and in great awe   they applauded as I drove by
they waved their straw hats   they cheered
and they knew they had heard a very LOUD SOUND   indeed